In class today, my dharma was all about the power of saying no- and boy did it spark some discussion!
This is actually about boundary setting, and the general consensus was that we all suck at it in some places in our lives!
So the issue, is that we say yes when we mean no.
Why do we do that?
Strip most of the noise away, and you will find that it is people pleasing that has us saying the opposite of what we actually mean!
· We don’t want to offend that person.
· They need our help, we want to help
· They might get cross with us
· There is an expectation we will say yes
· We should say yes…
Sound familiar?!
Why might we want to say no?
· We are at capacity
· We do not have the emotional bandwidth to do it
· We have too much on our plate
· We are stretched thin
· We do not feel the best person for that job
· We had other plans…
All really valid, right?!
So, what happens when we say yes instead of no? We do the thing, then we get resentful about being asked to do the thing.
The issue is that the other person is being charged with a crime they did not know they committed! They asked you, you said yes. So, they assumed that you DID have capacity because you said yes.
The hard truth: this is on you my friend!
I am obsessed with a challenge called the ‘King of the Hill’- it is a running course where they have an hour to complete a 5km run- the faster they do it, the more chill time they have in between runs. Then on the next hour, they go again. They run until no runners are left. The winner just did 108 rounds. That’s 108 hours of running and resting 😱 Human endurance at its finest.
The reason I mention this is because half way up the infamous hill in the middle of the run was a sign;
No one is coming to save you
And this message is important. Because if you are pushed over capacity, it is because you said yes. No one else. You did. No one is coming to save you other than YOU! If you need to say no, YOU need to say no.
So, the discussion in class this morning was about a white lie- is ok to tell a white lie to get out of doing something. The consensus in the room was yes there can be a loop in the clause when it comes to family! And I get that, and sure, if that helps you set a boundary do it.
But I hesitate here- wanna know why?
Because the reason we all struggle with boundaries is because we struggle with putting our needs first.
Fact.
If you lie, that gets you out of doing the thing, but what it does not do is help you to say your needs and practise putting your needs first.
I am sorry I cannot do the thing you are asking of me because I am at capacity at the moment
The lie you might tell- husband is away, cake in the oven, washing my hair, kid hurt themselves, dog needs a poo- whatever it is- is NOT you naming your needs.
And putting our needs first takes practise. REAL practise. And lying is not practising this!
Because somewhere we have been told that putting our needs first is selfish.
I am here to tell you that putting your needs first is ESSENTIAL. Because resentment is a horrible energy that hurts everyone in the long run.
So now we turn to yoga for help.
AHIMSA- non violence.
This is one of the first teachings you will come across in the eight limbs of yoga.
Though shalt not kill!
My thoughts, words and actions will not hurt another.
But also..
My thoughts words and actions will not hurt me.
And here is how we can use yoga to help us create and stick by our boundaries.
I am not saying no to hurt you. I am saying no to not hurt me.
You can’t argue with that!
We do not set a boundary to hurt anyone, we set a boundary to protect everyone.
The only people who get upset when you set a boundary, is the person who benefited the most when you had none.
So, it is November- lets practise saying no this NO-vember.
Not because we are selfish.
Not because we are an arsehole.
But because our needs are just as important as anyone else’s, and NO ONE IS COMING TO SAVE YOU. Only you can set the boundary and put your needs first, no one else can do that for you.
And if you find this hard, if you find yourself lying to side step the actual truth, which is that you need to put your needs first, then get super curious as to why you can’t name your needs. And start practising it.
Happy NO-vember yogis!