COMPASSION DOES NOT MEAN CARRYING SOMEONE ELSES PAIN
Recently I had a chat with a friend and she was incredibly down. When I asked her what was happening, it turned out that a very good friend of hers was having a really tough time and she was concerned for her and helping her navigate it.
How lucky to have a friend that cares so deeply for you!
The problem though is my friend had taken on her friends pain and suffering, and as a result, she too was feeling down and struggling.
Its so easy to do this though isn’t it? When a friend is down, you feel for them, you feel WITH them. This does not make you a bad person.
The enquiry here though, is does it help her friend if she gets weighed down too?
Compassion is such a beautiful thing, but we must be cautious that in caring for someone in pain, we do not carry their pain. It is not ours to carry.
Does Patanjali have anything to say about this? Why yes, yes he does!~
मैत्रीकरुणामुदितोपेक्षणां सुखदुःखपुण्यापुण्यविषयाणां भावनातश्चित्तप्रसादनम्
Maitrī-karuṇā-muditā-upekṣāṇāṁ sukha-duḥkha-puṇya-apuṇya-viṣayāṇāṁ bhāvanātaś citta-prasādanam.
Yoga Sutra 1.33
Translation:
By cultivating friendliness toward the happy, compassion toward those who are suffering, joy toward the virtuous, and equanimity toward those whose actions are harmful, the mind becomes clear and peaceful.
I think the key word here to consider, is upekṣā (equanimity).
Equanimity is a state of mental and emotional stability that allows you to remain calm and composed, even under high stress, pressure, or misfortune. It involves observing your circumstances without being overwhelmed by intense emotions like anxiety, anger, or excitement.
Patanjali isn’t asking us to absorb another person’s pain. Instead, he teaches that we can meet suffering with compassion while remaining grounded and emotionally steady.
The more regulated that we are, the more centred that we are, the easier it is for us to see when we have lost this steadiness, and in that we can see if we are carrying someone else’s burden.
That burden is not ours to carry, and in fact, it is not being asked of us to carry it!
So the next time that you have an exchange with someone where that person is sad, as you walk away, just notice if their energy has stuck to you like an unwanted passenger, and do some things to compassionately put that load down.
We call this energetic hygiene- it is as important as any other hygiene practises!
So what are energetic practises? Anything that brings you back to neutral
- Breath work
- Tapping
- Shaking
- Brushing
- Bouncing
- Meditation
- Spinal rolls
- Even washing your hands!
Anything that allows you to mindfully and consciously come back to your own state.
Remember, you cannot help anyone if you are broken too. So put the load down and help your friend with open arms but with energetic boundaries- it is the only way to stay grounded, and that is the best gift you can give a friend who is struggling.