Emotional loading

What happens when we do not process how we feel…

I did a booboo.

Yesterday I had a phone call from my real estate agent- I am in the process of leaving my commercial space, so we have had a fair few interactions so far. Yesterday she informed me that I had 3 quarter bills outstanding for council tax and needed to pay it upon vacating. It’s a nearly $1000 bill! I had never received a single one, so I was furious that I had such an outstanding amount to pay in one go.

I may have told her that… badly!

I lost my shit and hung up the phone and had instant regret. I was unprofessional and impolite and it definitely was not her fault.

I immediately emailed my apologies, but I was really curious as to why I had lost it like I had- it wasn’t THAT big of a deal in the grand scheme of things.

And what I found was interesting…

A few weeks ago, I had had an issue come up over money, I felt I had been dealt with unfairly, and my feelings were definitely hurt. But at that time, I completely bypassed how I felt and said things like “Its fine, don’t worry about it…”

But you see, it wasn’t fine. I was hurt, my boundaries had been crossed, and I felt the situation was very unjustified.

But I never said that! In fact, I walked away and did not think it through and so the issue was left festering. Then along comes my real estate agent, she tickles the same injustice nerve and nek minute I am ‘barking down the phone at her’ (to coin her words…. EEK!).

I call this ‘loading’- you take one annoyance (that you have not dealt with!), and stick it to the next annoyance, now you have an even bigger annoyance pile and eventually that pile will get too big and you will explode. This is why couples argue about the toilet seat being left up- they are not arguing about the toilet seat, they are arguing about all the ways in which they feel unseen and unsupported by their partner but have not been able to talk about it and so now they are arguing about the toilet seat being left up…

I loaded my last experience with this one, and that cup for me was well and truly full as clearly the money cup has not been dealt with for some time, and so this particular time the cupeth overfloweth and my real estate agent copped the brunt end!

What is really interesting is that when I sit with this money thing even longer, what I can see is that the ‘issue’ that started this tender spot is not even what happened the other week- there is something here from a long time ago that is rearing its ugly head as an issue that I have not resolved yet… I just do not know what that is yet!

So what is all this telling me? Well, I have a few takeaways actually!

1.        Being regulated does not mean NOT feeling the feels. In fact, the ONLY way to get regulated is to let yourself really sit with the truth of how you are feeling and work THROUGH it, not bypass it

2.        Not being honest about how a situation has affected me, is me stealing from myself (asteya – non stealing YOGIC YAMA). If I cannot honour my own boundaries, I cannot expect anyone else to

3.        Unresolved shit will come up! If you don’t deal with it, it will come back again and again and again until you do

4.        I am human, it is okay that I did not get this right this time

5.        Being human is hard!

So, if you are a loader, firstly get really curious as to how regulated you were at the time that you lost it. Chances are, you weren’t! Move your body, clear your mind THEN deal with the enquiry!

Then, start to peel the layers back to find out the original tender spot that started this issue- you may be surprised just how far back this issue actually goes for you. I have a horrible feeling my money issue was from 1996 … there is some spring cleaning to do!

Remember that this work- self study (swadyaya- Yogic niyama)- should be compassionate and kind- there ain’t no point beating yourself for what you find here. Being human is hard, we are not always going to get it right. Our job is to assess what happened and why, and try and make better choices next time. Do not weaponize your self-study!

And then send an email to your real estate agent and apologise for being an unprofessional arsehat 😬